Thursday, December 20, 2012

So, when are you having kids?

Now that I'm a newly wed I have learned to hate assumptive questions. Two questions really stick in my craw:

How's married life?

When are you having kids?

These types of questions are the social courtesy of today's society that people are programmed to ask. When a kid graduates high school the first thing people ask is "where are you going to college?". Maybe they don't want to go to college! Or when someone gets engaged the first question is "When's the wedding" even though the proposal could be moments before.

First of all, married life really isn't much different from "in a relationship" life if  you've already been living together. Maybe in the 50's when you lived with mommy and daddy until you married and then left home it would be different. Sadly a few of my friends are in this boat. They are engaged and neither of them have EVER left home. For them, yes married life will most definitely be different. Not only will they be living with someone new, but the shock and realization of meal planning, paying bills and chores will be a total 180 for them.

Not for me. Yes, I love having the ring on my finger and a man I'm so in love with to come too every single day, but so far (aside from tax/bank/insurance forms) it is the same. So when people ask me "how's married life" I respond with: "no different". This really gets them worked up "Surely you must be excited to be married and it is different". Of course I'm excited to be married, but that wasn't their question. Married life is exactly the same, nothing in my life is different. Case closed.

The most infuriating presumptive question however, is the age old classic "When are you having kids?" (or other close variations). So now that I have a ring on my finger and am blessed by a priest, it's apparently a green light for procreation.  Everyone has asked me. Even perfect strangers. As soon as they find out I'm a newly wed, without hesitation out pours the questions. The mail man, the girl behind the counter at the store, co-workers, family, friends EVERYONE.

Deciding whether or not to bring a child into this global-warmed world is not a light one. Nor one for public discussion in my opinion. Yes I would love to have kids. When and how is between my husband and I. End of discussion. when people ask, I politely reply with some vague answer. "Do you want kids" ---maybe. "Are you planning a family soon" ---hard to say really. "So when are you due" *wink wink*---to which I firmly reply as I look them straight in the eye---I'm not pregnant. That one really makes them squirm and it should. That is a rude question to any women at any time.

People need to filter their questions. Really think about what they're asking before just automating a response. I have really, really taken this to heart. When someone shares news with me of any kind, I try and ask questions that are interesting and will give the person a break from having to field the same questions.

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