I'm so hollow baby...

I can honestly say I haven’t felt this sad in about 6 years. Mostly though, I feel like a ghost wandering around just going through the motions. I guess it could be worse, I could go off on a crying jag and call into “work” (my current temping job), but being a ghost isn’t all that great either. Today I wore bright red and look super cute in attempts to fool the world (and hopefully myself) that everything is okay. In fact, I had a close encounter with a humming bird this morning who gave me some serious thought before returning to his hibiscus flower.

I’m sorry for being such a Debbie downer on a Friday; I know everyone is getting excited about the weekend, but I can’t help the way I feel. I suppose I could “fake it until I make it” and in some ways I am, but mostly I just feel hollow.

It all started 9 months ago when I met an amazing guy. He was a local bartender who was trying to get a permanent teaching position (if you read my older posts, he’s referred to as “Teach”). Anyways we started dating and from the start he said that he didn’t want anything serious as he might possibly move away depending on where he got a job. Fast forward 8 months, and that’s just what happened. He got a job in Northern California as a sophomore world history teacher. We had both discussed that neither of us wanted a long distance relationship (they are utterly impractical in every way) and so as the weeks kept counting down we both avoided the final goodbye.

Last night was the final goodbye. I told him how sick I was of people saying mean things about him. Surprisingly my friends aren’t as understanding about this amazing opportunity for Teach as I am. I guess I’ve always been a more realistic and rational person (and more like a guy in terms of my emotions) because all my female friends just talk trash: “I can’t believe he would just dump you like this” and “what do you mean he doesn’t want you to move up with him because you guys aren’t engaged?” the list goes on and on. Yeah, it’s shitty that I got left in the dust, but you know what? I’m proud of a guy who had a plan and stuck by it.

Teach told me how sick he was of everyone giving him shit for moving so far away or over congratulating him and telling him how awesome it will be. Of course he’s not looking forward to moving away from all his friends and family to a place he’s never lived before and not knowing anyone. Plus, as he is a recent addition to the staff and he doesn’t even get his own classroom; he has to share. He’s not moving because he loved the job, he’s moving because it was the only position he could get in this crappy economy. He doesn’t want to bar tend another year and hold off, he would rather move to BFE to get a year’s worth of experience and start a new job search next year to get his dream job. If I had the guts to do it, I would, wouldn’t you?

I call that hard work and ambition: doing what is necessary to reach your goals even if it’s not what you want now, it’ll help you reach your dream. I guess no one else sees it that way, or maybe I’m just uber supportive. I didn’t spend the last month moping around and being whiny, I was by his side picking out sheets and throw pillows. I helped him figure out what he needed to bring by sorting through all the crap in his room. I was there with a beer in my hand for him when he was stressed about having to move his life 500 miles away. If I felt emotional, I would save it for when he wasn’t around. I found it odd that while being sad that sometimes when I wanted to have a good cry, I couldn’t, but when I didn’t want to cry, I would. In the end I saved my tears for him in person the very last day at the very last hour with him.

Last night I met him for happy hour at our favorite place after work. Then, I went home to shower and drove over to his place. I spent a few hours cleaning out the rest of his room and organizing the crap he was leaving at his folk’s house. Then (because his mom was being a mom) we went back to my house. We cuddled for a while and then the tears started. They were slow tears at first and then trickled into a steady flow until I was bawling. He was sweet and held me and no he wasn’t made of stone because when I pulled away he had red rimmed eyes and tears too.

We talked about the things we would miss most and how it would be hard, but that we were doing the right thing and how on the 31st (today) we would both be single people again. I know that if we had fallen madly in love with each other things would be different and I would probably be on the open road just passing Fresno on our way up north. But I didn’t fall in love and neither did he as we kept our hearts well guarded in order to make this transition easier.

For the most part it did. I remember being more broken up about a guy, but this just feels different. Maybe because I’m more mature now and because it was a sad and mutual break up. Sure it will make seeing him when he comes down to visit around the holidays hard knowing I can’t walk up and pepper him with kisses, knowing that the only reason we broke up with distance and nothing else, but that’s life folks.

So now I sit here at work in my bright red shirt greeting people and phone calls with a smile. I get progress texts from him letting me know where he’s passing through on the road and even though it’s bitter sweet it’s nice to know he’s still thinking of me. I will be thinking of him too.